Witt And Witticism Revised
by nvzblgrrl
Summary: A rewrite of Witt and Witticism. Warnings include; original characters, violence, swearing, gratuitous quoting, minor crack, slight alteration of canon, and overused anime tropes.
1. Chapter 1

**I've decided that I'm going to try rewriting the earlier chapters of this story to bring up the overall standard of the whole product.**

**It might take a while for future updates, between writer's block, new chapters, and rewriting, but I'll try to make the finished product all the better for it.**

* * *

"The sky sure is bright today." I mutter, shielding my eyes as I look upwards into the wild blue yonder. This is my first time out of the country; makes sense that I'd pick a whole 'nother world to visit. Considering the place I come from, the farther away the better. But hell, for an ocean cruise in the middle of pirate infested waters, it sure is goddamn boring. Slow boat, mediocre food, absolutely nothing in common with the people I'm sharing this crab boat with…

Hell, East Blue is like Michigan Part Two; The Cruise.

God, I hope that Luffy shows up soon. I'm not signing on for another trip on this thing if I missed him by a month. The food isn't good enough for that.

* * *

Maybe I should clarify something, like how I know that Monkey D. Luffy is due to arrive on the nautical scene at any possible moment.

Firstly, my name is Mercy Pierce DeWitt. Typically, the 'Pierce' bit doesn't show up in everyday conversation, but the 'DeWitt' portion has the tendency for some reason. Anyway. You might be asking 'Hey, ain't it supposed to be the girls that are named for Virtues?'. Well, I'm getting to that, keep your hair on.

Well, as you might have guessed, I'm not native and the thing about not being native, is that you got to be native somewhere else and there's got to be some way to get from point A, in my case, the United States of Ameri-duh, to point B, this lovely East Blue. Well, that way was a spinning gate full of glowing blue goop (a real 'Gate to Heaven', let me tell ya) and the admission price was letting the thing play hopscotch with your genetics during the trip. My luck was it swapping an X for a Y along the way. So far as that game of Russian Roulette went, that's not so bad a bullet, especially considering that I landed in one of the absolute coolest places ever conceived of by man or beast.

You might think that I'd take this sudden development of certain anatomy and the lack of other bits a little harder, but honestly? I never thought of myself in that terminology. I've always been something of an 'it', the kind of thing that you shove ideas and labels onto only to find that they slip off. My father just _adores_ that facet of my personality. I've always assumed that I inherited the trait from my mother's side of the family; he always did. Quite loudly, too. Grandpa never gave a shit either way. He was something else, leave it at that.

I don't look that different for the swap besides the obvious parts. A couple inches taller (breaking 5'6" to 5'9" in five minute or less; fantastic), a stronger edge to the jaw, a couple of months training from hell to add some muscle (I had to get the money for this boat ride somewhere, alright?), and a light tan (again, from the working for the money for the receiving of the good and services). Still have the black mess called hair dominating the uppermost real estate, still got hazel eyes that are either 'beautiful' or 'freaky' depending on how closely you are related to me, still got the scar on my chin from when I decided playing King of the Hill on a pile of gravel taller than the garden shed with cousins who had six inches and thirty pound on me was a good idea (I won through sheer persistence, just FYI).

Clothes still fit (the first 'hell yeah' I've ever made for hand-me downs, let me tell ya), still got Grandpa's last present (his old Korea dog tags, ain't that what every kid wants to get for their graduation gift?), still got all my limbs. I went simple; a navy blue wife-beater with a black Sagittarius symbol, a grey janitor's button-up shirt, dirt brown cargo capris that button up to knee length… Shoes were a lamentable loss, but I got a pair of serviceable sandals for the time being. Roll with the punches, right?

Personal effects? A little more than nil. Clothes, rucksack, tags, fourth or fifth-hand guitar which is honestly better for breaking sound equipment rather than the barriers between people (it's a product of Soviet Russia, let's chew on that for a moment). I've beaten more than a few skulls in with Valance (she's cherry red, I'm a voracious reader who just graduated high school, do the math) since I've landed in East Blue, and it didn't even chip the cherry paint. Say what you will about her sound quality, but this crimson dynamo is truly the strongest of the Ural line, if not the sweetest singer of the breed.

I'm probably not the first person to go through the portal with my specific goal in mind. Hell, I'm not gonna the last, that's for certain. Everybody wants to be part of the story after all.

Well, that's my piece. Now back to the good part.

* * *

I finally divorce my ass from the deck chair I've been living in for the last… hour, hour and a half? I don't keep track of time that well. Comes from being a twitchy person, I guess. I stretch out, working the kinks out of my back as a crew member runs by with a pronged hook and a coil of rope. Looks like Lady Luck is in my corner for once, and I hope that she stays there for a bit. Holding onto that reassuring feeling as the devices bring the barrel of destiny on deck, I try to look casual. Easy enough. If only I smoked, it would have completed the eternal image of rebel relaxation.

As the first volley of cannonballs throw the ocean skyward in harsh geysers of seawater and rock this love boat, I continue in my casual act, following the barrel of Monkey down below decks towards a kitchen area. I duck into the food storage, pulling my rucksack open and grabbing a selection of foodstuffs for our future dining pleasure. Might as well make some use of my time whilst I lay in wait, I think. I disregard the sudden racket from the other room. I may not have been raised in a chaotic house, per say, but life has a way of acclimatizing you to general madness. The two months that I spent living in a Tortuga-esque shanty town didn't hurt either (last time I checked, no Johnny Depp. Alas).

I wait, polishing an apple against the twill of my shirt. And as soon as that unmistakable straw hat comes through the door, the apple is thrown his way. Monkey D. Luffy snags it effortlessly and promptly takes a chunk out of it, even as a certain Marine hopeful gives me an astonished look. I toss him an apple as well, with a small nod. "Hey." I say, saluting him loosely.

Luffy nodded, even as he snapped down the core of his first apple, already pawing around for the next. "Hey!" He garbles brightly through his mouthful of apple mush.

"Hey…" Coby said, looking around uncertainly, as if there were more weirdoes waiting to worm their way out of the woodwork. After a moment, when it was apparent that that wasn't going to happen, he focused back on us. "So… are you two going to introduce yourselves or anything?"

"Monkey D. Luffy." The rubber man said, spraying the pinkette with a fine mist of apple juice. "I'm gonna be King of the Pirates." He said simply, as if it was a mere matter of time until it happened, before turning back to the next barrel of apples.

I snorted, smiling as I waved at Coby. "Mercy DeWitt. As soon as we get a boat, I'm going to be Luffy's First Mate."

Luffy paused, blinked, and then shrugged. "Oh, okay." He said before turning back to the two most important subjects at hand; food and stuffing his face with it.

* * *

**ACHIEVEMENT: ACCEPTED INTO CREW! /WHOOP**

* * *

Coby stared at me. Apparently my mental fist pump translated into my actual fist seizing up and shaking a little. He is not reassured of either of us being mental stable people.

"So… are you two brothers or something?" Coby ventured warily.

"Something." I deadpanned.

"Yeah, this Witt guy isn't Ace." Luffy took a moment to consider me. "Ehhh… yeah. No freckles." Identity confirmed, apparently.

"You forgot what your brother looked like?!" Coby snapped, even as the rubber pirate rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. He shook his head. "How can you two be so friendly if you just met? It doesn't make any sense…"

"Enemies don't give you food." Luffy said, as if that was a simple matter of fact.  
I intercede before Coby's head explodes from trying to puzzle out the enigma of a pirate's idealistic naivety. "But enough about us, what about you, Strawberry Shortcake?"

He looked down at his knees. "Ah… I'm… I'm the cabin boy of the Alvida Pirates, Coby." He said, obviously ashamed of the fact.  
Luffy nods sagely. "Ah, so you aren't that important."

I swat his head. "That was mean! He's just- How old are you?" I ask after a moment of processing.

"Thirteen."

I feel my eyes glaze over a little. Buffering… buffering… "Holy shit, are you tiny." I finally say. Priorities.

"I haven't hit puberty yet!" Coby snapped.

I laugh dryly. "Well, I can see that." I gesture with my new apple, the green skin shining in the dark of the ship's pantry. "Don't sweat it. You still have plenty of time to grow up. And get taller." A sage, I am not claimant to be, but damn. Shorty is short.

Coby frowned at me. "You started out rude, got slightly helpful, and then went back to being a jerk."

I shrug, taking a bite out of my apple. "What can I say? It's genetic."

* * *

**I AIN'T KIDDING ABOUT THE GENETICS. DICKERY RUNS IN MY VEINS LIKE GIANT, RADIOACTIVE, RUBBER PANTS AND I DO NOT DENY MY VEINS.**

* * *

"I'm gutless." Coby declared suddenly.

This got our attention. "What?" Luffy and I asked in synchro.

He clenched his hands around the hem of his shorts. "I'm nothing. I'm a wimp and a coward. I'll never get out from under Alvida's thumb. I'll die there."

"Negative. Negative. Negative." I chant solemnly, even as I do spirit fingers at him.

* * *

A ghost princess a couple thousand miles away sat up in bed abruptly, crown slightly askew and eyes cracked open. "Did Moria-sama call me?" She asked drowsily before flopping back down into the pillows.

* * *

"Then leave." Luffy said. God bless this straight forward thinker.  
"You've never seen her! She's scary! It makes my legs go numb just thinking about Alvida and that mace…" Coby protested. "I might be a weakling and a coward, but I'm not suicidal!"

"Faint heart never won fair lady… or a non-enslaved life, in this case." I say, my dramatic pose deflating as I thought about it.

Luffy nodded sagely. "Damn straight. I don't like people like that."

"I don't like me much either." Coby murmured, breaking out the most pathetic excuse for a smile ever. I let him know the fact.

"Negative." I chant again, poking his face. "What's your dream, candy floss boy?"

"I… I would like to become a Marine." Coby said, his expression intensifying and rather fierce for such a baby-face. "And catch criminals like Alvida! That is my grand ambition!" There was some a small flame of absolute confidence that declaring that had ignited, and it made itself known through the sudden shift in Coby's body language from 'please victimize me' to 'anime protagonist'.

Obviously, Luffy didn't pick up on it. "Ah, so we'll be enemies!" He chirped happily. "Since we're pirates." The rubber man added, as if he hadn't introduced him as a contender for the title of 'King of the Pirates'.

"Yup. Luffy here wants to be the Pirate King. The finest kind." I said, digging around in my mouth for a pesky bit of apple skin that got caught between my molars. "Stubborn enough to pull it off too. Just need a boat and some crew."

"Wah- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BOAT?" Coby shrieked, face blanched paper white. "Forget about that! That's a death sentence! Do you even know how many pirates are trying to find the One Piece? You'll be eaten alive!"

I open my mouth, a finger already raised to correct the hysterical pinkette, but Luffy's catches the opportunity first.

"Well, if they try to eat me, I'll eat them first." He declared, his pinky finger knuckle deep in his nose. He pulled it out, inspecting his green gold absently before flicking it away. "Besides, I'm willing to die in pursuit of my dream."

I shrug. "Exactly. Besides, we can always get stronger."

Coby twitches, tears pooling up in his eyes. Oh hell no. I am not equipped for tears.

"D-do you think I can do it?" He asked, wiping his face with the back of his arm.

"Don't know." Luffy says, deciding that the snack is more interesting than this teenage drama bullshit.

"If there's a will, there's a way." I add, falling back on the old fortune cookie advice routine.

"I'm gonna try!" Coby declared, jumping to his feet, the flame of confidence now a (small) inferno. "I'd rather die trying to escape than live on in fear! And I'll become a Marine and arrest people like Alvida!" He had become progressively louder, with his last words a squeaky shout to the heavens.

Unfortunately for Coby, in between him and the heavens was a half-ton of angry pirate lady. And she had three things to speak of; functional ears, a fiery temper, and an iron mace that weighed more than the average compact car.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LITTLE PUNK?" Suddenly, the entire ceiling is gone. Not opened up, not shattered beyond recognition, not even forcibly made holey. I mean gone. Nothing but open air.

Holy fucking shit. Hello, adrenaline!

And wow, look at that pizza face. I can't believe I'm saying this, but she had managed the rare feat of looking worse in person than she did on the page. The power of Devil Fruits really are amazing.

"And who are these chumps?" Alvida snarled, shouldering her mace. "Bounty hunters plotting to take my head?" A poisonous glance slid over to the local unfortunate. "You'll pay for this one, Coby."

"Who's the hag?" Luffy asked, skipping to the important questions as he once more ventured knuckle deep into his green gold mine.

I'm tempted to chip in. I must resist- oh, right. Pirate. "I don't know. I'd think I'd remember a face that hideous if she was important." Might as well dispel a little venom before spending a week in a rowboat with an Olympic-class moron and a whiny teenager.

I did not know that it was possible to actually hear someone's last nerve snapping, but there is was, like a gunshot in the night. Ah, the pleasures of unrestrained devilry.

"Coby." Alvida snarled. "Who is the most beautiful woman in the entire world?" Her knuckles cracked as she tightened her grip on her mace.

Coby steeled himself, tears shining in the corners of his eyes, before following my suicidal charge without even an iota of hesitation. "IT AIN'T YOU, YOU FATASS, RATCHET BITCH!" Oh, sweet Jesus, carry this white bread ghetto boy to heaven swiftly, because this broad bride of the sea is about to fucking sing.

Luffy promptly lost whatever shit he had, laughing his ass off. Coby's shit is already gone, and he's nearly senselessly pooled on the floor, eyes white and rolled back in his skull. Alvida is buffering, with the full intent of losing her shit on us with enough force to send an eighteen wheeler off road and/or make us into a pretty pink mist. Me? I've skipped the entire shit losing process, moving over to defend Coby, gripping my axe like… well, an axe (do you really want me to explain the joke?).

On a scale of 1 to 10 on how dead I am if Luffy doesn't save us, I think we rate about 35.

* * *

Well, not dead is good. I didn't even have to do much beyond basic mook patrol, which, y'know, is a lot easier without having someone like Alvida breathing down your neck like you're standing in her way at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Captain takes the boss level, I can live with that. Go play not!hero, have fun, don't get arrested.

When the legendary wide-load breaks the sound barrier (no small thanks to one perfectly placed Bazooka), I take it as the signal to leave. "Oi! Luffy!" I holler over, even as I hoist up our chosen rowboat. "We gonna blow this taco stand or just admire the Feds as they arrest our asses?"

Luffy turns, sees Marine boats, and goes 'NOPE', scrambling over to the rowboat. He throws the pinkette in before punching the pulleys keeping us attached to the mother ship into a whole 'nother dimension of existence.

We descend. Quickly, crashing into the water and splashing a certain red-haired thief as she makes off with her own new acquisition. Eye contact is made, with both Luffy and me, and her fate is sealed.

* * *

**Later…**

* * *

We drift along blue waters, considering the nature around us. Luffy watches the water, Coby discerns our relative location using the sun, and I tune my guitar, because apparently, invincibility does not guarantee that the strings won't loosen with a little beating. 'Mother Russia makes you strong', my ass. Guitar might be tougher than my step-mother's meatloaf, but hell if it's more than an instrumentally inclined slab of shellacked hornbeam.

"Do either of you know how a map works?" Coby asked, already 120% done with our shit.

"Nope." Luffy said brightly, even as he went back to watching the ocean.

I scratch my cheek. "Unless you can tell me exactly where I am on it… no."

"I regret everything." The pinkette muttered.  
"I regret nothing." I counter, plucking a few notes on my Ural.

Coby's eye twitches. "Stop that."

I throw myself into the Deliverance banjo, though the guitar doesn't quite do it justice. Or you know, the lack of a banjo to duel against. "Kin ye squeal-" I start to say, even as I start to (poorly) carry both sides of the duel.

Coby gives me a surprisingly cold look. "Finish that sentence and I will… do things."  
"Coby's gonna 'do things'." I lean over to Luffy. "Did you hear that? He's going to do things."

"Can the thing that he's gonna do be feeding me?"

* * *

**Reviews, constructive criticism, and comments are welcome!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry about taking so long to update. Writer's block has been dogging my steps as of late, and the muse for the Alabasta chapters of the beta? version has been as stingy with the words as the characters within are with water.**

* * *

"So you ate the… Gomi Gomi no Mi, was it?" Coby asked after Luffy got done laying out his basic backstory. "That's surprising."

I roll my eyes. "What's so surprising about it, Coby? Weird shit or crazy ass superpowers pop up, point at the Devil Fruit, question answered. I mean, six times out of ten, that's the right answer. Did you honestly think his mother was a rubber band or something?" Stupidity is a matter of degrees and it's awfully easy to look like you have a Doctorate when you stand next to Luffy. It's easy to forget that Coby is only thirteen and, ergo, an idiot.

Coby sighed. "I guess you're right about that…" He admitted, before gazing thoughtfully out over the ocean. "Though… how many Devil Fruit users are out there in the Grand Line?"

Ohohoho, I know this one. "Buttloads and fucktons." I say brightly.

"And how many of them are pirates?"

I consider what I know. "Maybe… sixty, seventy percent? I'd rate the majority of the remainder as Government dogs."

"THAT BAD?!" Coby shrieked, completely ignoring the whole 'government dog' comment.

"Well, survey says…" I shrug. "Course, my data's a little skewed, considering."

Coby's brow furrowed. "Considering what- wait, I've decided, I don't want to know where you get your information." He threw up his hands.

Luffy blows a raspberry at the ocean.

I smile. "I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows of a guy who writes a series who knows a lot of pirate trivia."

"Sounds complicated." Luffy decided, turning to look at us. "Is it going to help when we get to the Grand Line?"  
The pinkette smacked himself. "You two are seriously considering going to the Grand Line? You barely have a rowboat!"

"Well, we weren't going to go in this…." I muttered.

"You're still going to die if you don't prepare! It's called the Pirate's Graveyard for a reason!" Coby yelled. Dear god, the kid is shrill when he wants to be.

I roll my eyes. "And that's why we're doing the headhunting now."  
"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH PREPARING?" Covy screeched, grabbing at his own head as if I'm going to cut it off- oh.

Separated by a common language. "It means we're recruiting." I explain with no small air of exasperation.

"THEN JUST SAY SO INSTEAD OF SOUNDING LIKE A SERIAL KILLER!"

Luffy pointed at a small island in the distance. "That's Shell Town, right?"

I look. Well, there's the Marine base, though those are a dime a dozen, really. "Yup." I confirm. "Shell Town."

"And you said there's a strong guy there, Coby?"

"R-Roronoa Zoro, but what does it ma- OH, GOD NO." Coby realized, likely wishing he was capable of doing a verbal backspace. "You aren't going to try to recruit him?!"

"You said he was strong." Luffy said. "And if he's a good guy, I'll take him."

"He's great with kids and easily bullied by strong-willed women." I add helpfully.

"HE'S A RAGING PSYCHOPATH… and the fact that you know those kinds of details worries me, Witt."

I lift my finger to my lips, winking in the manner I've seen Nami do several times. "That's… my secret." I say. "Anyway, you need to learn to fact check if you're going to join the Marines, since information gathering is one of their major…" I wave my hand around vaguely as I search for a word. "Things." I didn't find it.

"You're doing the 'kernel of good advice wrapped up in a bundle of crazy' thing again." Coby muttered. "But what if the rumors are true? It's terrifying to even think about him."

"Well, now that's just because you're a wimp." I say with a smile.

Luffy grinned. "Yeah, I want to meet him before making any decision about him joining us or not. If he's a bad person, I won't ask. If he's a good person…" He snickered. Well, that was a foregone conclusion anyway.

"HE WAS ARRESTED BECAUSE HE WAS BAD!" Coby screeched, making my ears ring.

"Actually, there's a fair chance that he got on the bad side of someone with connections and actually hasn't committed any crime." I say levelly, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "If he really was a mad dog, there would have been steps taken to put him down long before now, considering that this is the East Blue rather than the Grand Line." Remind me to give Coby a lesson on the different Justices before he leaves the party.

Coby swallowed. "Marines… are supposed to represent Justice." He said thickly.

Or maybe I'll just skip to it now. "Honestly, Coby, Marine Justice is, as a general rule, fucked up. Did you know that an entire island was decimated just because someone there happened to make a study of a certain historical record? Or how while slavery has been outlawed for two hundred years, yet the Marines turn a blind eye to the World Nobles continued practice of the act?"

"N-no." He said. "I haven't heard of that."

I smile, though the expression doesn't quite reach my eyes. "Ah, well, did you hear about the mass murder of children on the off-chance that one of them was the child of the Pirate King? Or about the fact that the Government selects the most powerful pirates they can access and give them free reign to do as they please, so long as they fulfill certain 'favors' for them when they are asked?"

Coby looks ready to cry. "B-b-but…"

I throw up my hands. "Not that all Marines are bad. It's just that more than a few of them are complete and total sociopaths. And do not get me started on Akainu…" I snarled. Nobody likes Akainu.

"Akainu?" Luffy asked, turning back to look at me and the dark aura that was materializing behind my head.

I chuckle darkly. "He's an Admiral, with all the skill that implies. Got a nasty Devil Fruit ability on top of that. The Magu Magu no Mi. The man's a walking lava flow and has no problem murdering civilians or his own underlings with a magma covered fist."

Coby took a moment to look appropriately horrified. "B-b-but…"

I interrupt him with a finger. "If you are going to join them, I got a couple names for you to keep in mind. Smoker, Tashigi, Kuzan, Momonga, T-Bone, Issho, Jonathan, and Garp." I politely ignore Luffy's faint eye bug at the casual mention of his grandfather, instead opting to write the names down with helpful little cartoon depictions of the person by each name. I pass it over to Coby. "Those are the best ones I know of and if you get assigned to work with any of them, do your best for them."

"Garp the Fist?!" Coby exclaimed as he went over the list again. "How would I get assigned to him? He's a legend, not the kind of person who takes on cabin boys!"

"You'd be surprised how the universe works sometimes." I said dryly. "You should also note that there are a few variations on the Justice that the Marines follow, and that individuals are allowed their own variation on it."

The pink wonder is still buffering on how I knew all these names in the first place.

I continue. "You get to make your own nindo, Coby. Might I recommend 'Moral Justice', by the way? Less genocide, more self-respect?"

Coby gets back to the real question. "The hell is a nindo?" He skips right over the issue of how a pirate knows so much about the Marines.

* * *

The docking was largely without incident, though the absence of a pirate flag on the mast or scary people in the boat probably contributed to that. Luffy's yelling didn't even draw the eye of any locals, which, considering it's Luffy being even louder than usual, is impressive in a way.

"Woo! Marine base! We actually reached our destination!" He yelled, arms stretched out to the side.

I am also pleased. "Hell yeah! You're amazing Coby!"

His face lights up like a Christmas tree, which clashed spectacularly with his pink hair. "I-it's just basic navigation. I-it's not that big of a deal, but you really need to know how to do it yourself or get a navigator, since I'm leaving…"

Luffy interrupted Coby's embarrassed mumbling. "Alright! Let's go eat!"

I ruffled Coby's hair as I lean down to his level. "That reminds me; you're buying." I tell him.

* * *

"Ah, that was good!" Luffy declared as he finished cleaning off his last place. "We'll go our separate ways from here, okay? You take care of yourself, Coby. Become a great Marine, okay?" He said with a grin.

"I will, Luffy!" Coby blubbered inelegantly, trying to wipe his face away. "Even if it does mean that we'll be enemies the next time we meet."

I smile at their male bonding antics as I sip at my water. "I wonder where Zoro is being held in the Marine base?"

There was a great crash as all the locals jumped away from us, dropping everything in the moment that they decided to viciously 'nope' the name.

"What a fearsome reputation." Coby whispered as he put down some money to pay for Luffy's meal. "Maybe you shouldn't talk about Zoro in front of the locals…"

"Oh?" I tilt my head with faux-curiosity as we leave the restaurant. "Should I ask about Captain Morgan, then?" Just to establish; I'm the devil.

Again, the local populace draws back as if stung by a thousand wasps working in synch. Exactly the reaction I was going for. I only wish that I could run around shrieking 'Ni!' and get this kind of reaction.

Someday, I think to myself. Someday.

"Who?" Luffy asks, still walking ahead even as me and Coby stop to think.

"Commander of this base." Coby clarified, though the reaction to the man's name had brought a troubled look to his face. "Though the way that they react to his name is rather… unsettling." He looks at me sideways. "Is he one of the 'bad' Marines you were telling me about?"

"Mmmm… Maybe?" I say playfully before shaking my head. "Actually, he's a control freak who lets his kid run wild through this town without any repercussions and twists 'Justice' to suit his own ends. Definitely one of the 'bad' Marines, as you put it."

Coby deflated. "Oh."

Luffy walked backwards until he was back with us. "Onward!" He said, grabbing us both by the sleeve and hauling us after him.

* * *

"Aaand here's the base." Coby said, his initial dread giving way to the boyish excitement of a kid on his first trip to Disneyworld. The base was very big and slightly more deserted than something of its size should have been. There was a brick wall surrounding it, about eight feet tall and a foot thick. Simple enough to scale for your average anime character.

Luffy gave the base itself a quick up and down look. "It's ugly." He observed.

"So ugly." I agreed, nodding. Whoever thought forest green and navy blue went together deserved to be dragged into the street and shot.

"It's so ugly that even mountain bandits wouldn't even move into it if it were empty." Luffy said.

I grinned. "It's so ugly that a blind man would be able to feel how ugly it is just by touching it."

Luffy thought for a moment. "It's so ugly… that if you set it on fire, the fire would die from over-exposure to ugly."

"It's so ugly that God himself would smite it if he didn't have the option of putting clouds over it." I countered.

Luffy blinked, buffered, and then came out with his next gem. "It's so ugly that it kills your taste buds just by looking at it for too long."

I took a moment. "It's so ugly that it murders any rainbow that forms above it just by existing."  
"It's so ugly-"

Coby cut the rubber man off. "ARE YOU TWO DONE YET?" He yelled.

"…Yes." Luffy and I mumbled as we looked down at our sandaled feet.

Coby stared at us. "…Are you sure that you aren't related? Like one-hundred percent sure?"

Luffy ignored him, already halfway up the wall surrounding the base with a leg almost over the barrier.

I am also by the wall, with my fingers locked together so I can give the resident midget a boost.

"There was a door." Coby muttered as he put his foot in my hands.

"Pirate." I countered as I boosted him up. Once he had a grip, I let go of his shoe, backed up a few steps from the wall, and ran up a few steps before latching onto the top. "And there's our monster." I said with a grin.

Coby jerked back in shock, nearly falling off the wall. "That bandana and the thing around his waist…"

"Haramaki." I corrected automatically.  
He ignored me. "That's Zoro! The Pirate Hunter… that intimidating aura couldn't belong to anyone else!"

"Oh." Luffy said, taking a good look at the bound swordsman. After a moment he spoke again. "You think he's out there for a bet? Because I could totally break those ropes."  
"Probably." I say, shrugging. "Though he doesn't have any leverage to speak of, from what I can see. And with his legs like that, he probably couldn't break them if he wanted to." I added as I looked closer. Yeah, there wasn't any room for the swordsman to get his feet under himself properly, thus leaving him to hang there. No foothold, no escape.

"You gossipy hens…" Zoro finally hissed, voice a lot weaker than I was used to from him. "Come on over here if you're going to talk about me. I've been here nine days… without food or water. I'm spent, but if you untie me, I'll repay you… hunt down some ne'er-do-well… give you the whole bounty…" His mad grinned was frayed at the edges and the manic glow in his eyes was dulled by obvious pain and exhaustion.

"Step away from the psycho." Coby whispered. "I don't want to be here, this guy is dangerous…"

"Anyone worth knowing is dangerous." I replied, even as Luffy grinned. "He might sound crazy, but he's been out here a lot longer than most humans could survive and I'm implied to believe that he would go hunt down a dangerous pirate in his condition if we took him up on his offer, even though he should be half dead from dehydration if he's been out here for nine days. Not to mention that being stuck in that position would be hell on the body for even an hour."  
Coby cast a withering look in my direction. "You know too much about things like that for me to be comfortable around you anymore, you know that, right?" He deadpanned.

I rolled my eyes. "My family made me take medical courses, okay? And the dehydration thing is common knowledge."

"I think we should untie him." Luffy decided, completely ignoring us.

"Are you crazy too?" Coby squeaked. "The guy would cut you down soon as look at you!"

"He can try," Luffy said with absolute certainty, "But I'm strong too."

This declaration immediately pricks up the bounty hunter's ears. "Hmm?!"

"You're all hopeless." Coby wept, tears silently streaming down his face.

There was a clatter of wood on stone as a ladder was set against the outer side of the wall. A small girl, Rika, if I remembered correctly, climbed over with a pair of onigiri, shushing Coby before hopping over and down to ground level before he could even start to play the part of the concerned and offended citizen.

Thus leaving the role to Zoro.

"Go away." He rasped, hacking a little. "Get lost!"

"I brought you some food, aniki!" She chirped, ignoring his protests as she unwrapped the snacks.

"No!" Zoro snarled. "Go home!"

"Just eat it!" I snapped at him. "She's not going to leave until you do, so just get it over with!"

Well, he ate it. Tears coming out of his eyes by the end of it, but he ate the sugar-loaded rice balls.

Rika was just starting to run back to the wall when the gate creaked open, revealing what had to be the ugliest leisure suit this side of the seventies. The bowl cut did nothing to alleviate the ugly. "Is he actively trying to be an eyesore, or does his tailor hate him?" I muttered.

"Hey, look a weirdo." Luffy observed. My captain, Captain Obvious.

Coby sighed with relief. "He must be someone important. At least the girl is…"

I lift a finger to silence him. "If you were about to say 'is safe', let me remind you that Zoro told her to leave from a restricted area. Without resorting to violence."

Speaking of violence…

While me and Coby were discussing the walking, talking affront-to-good-taste-everywhere, a small child was thrown over the wall, leaving the resident rubber man to save the day.

* * *

While Coby checked up on Rika, murmuring about 'jerks' and 'disgrace to the name of Marines', I was leaned up against a wall, listening to the traditional Bond-villain taunting. Not that whatshisface-o was any good at it, considering that he was both a) lying through his teeth and b) about as intimidating as your average scarecrow as constructed by your average six year old. But one thing stuck with me, even as the conversation dulled into idle baiting. 'If you can live like this for a month, I will keep my word and release you.'

The little sack of shit deserved everything we did to him after this. I didn't know if he knew the limits on how long a human could go without food or water, but I did and I knew that Zoro didn't have a prayer of it, even if the dick kept to his word. The constant exposure wasn't helping either, and the blood from the swordsman's head wasn't a good sign either…

I tsked in disapproval, attracting Luffy's attention. He raised an eyebrow, silently asking me 'what?'.

I inclined my head in Zoro's general direction. "Wanna break him out, Captain?" I asked quietly, watching his reaction carefully.  
He closed his eyes for a moment before nodding, his expression as dead serious as it always was before someone received a vicious ass-kicking.

I smirked. Finally.

* * *

**Well, that's chapter two rewritten!**

* * *

**To answer a few questions from the review corner...**

**No, the original will likely still continue, as a slightly more surreal first draft of the story, though hopefully this one will be improved for it.**

**Mercy (Pierce) DeWitt's name follows the Western /English tradition, with the personal name coming first and the family name following. However, in One Piece, the names are just about universally in Eastern / Japanese order, with the personal name following the family name. Mercy didn't account for this, or the fact that the way that DeWitt sounds it would be split into D. Witt. Since there's a tendency for D. names in One Piece anyway, people would likely start making assumptions just based on the sound of the name. The name would sound the same, but the order is completely reversed. I think he might have been slightly surprised at first, but rolled with it (and likely thinks the name 'Witt' suits him better than 'Mercy').**

**DeWitt (it's all together and it's only a faint distinction of hard sounds that separates 'De' from 'Witt') is actually a legitimate last name (though whether you prefer the English or Dutch origins is up to you).**

**Witt likely would default to male pronouns, since it has been established that he doesn't have a set sense of identity (though I think a little time with Luffy and co will sort that out nicely).**


	3. Chapter 3

As Rika laid the facts out on the table, complete with man vs wolf fights and gratuitous hero-worship for 'Zoro-aniki', Luffy and Coby were attentive. Me? I was busy with other things.

"Who names their kid 'Helmeppo'? I mean, that is just… it's like his dad just took a look at his son and thought 'you know what? I'm going to saddle my kid with the stupidest name I can think up'." Not that I expected much from a man named Captain Morgan. He must have heard all the jokes when he got that promotion. Before he cut their heads off.

Coby shook his head. "This information… I can't believe I was stupid to think… maybe this Zoro isn't such a monster after all…"

I looked at him sideways, slipping into a lopsided grin. "Y'know, one day you are just going to suddenly discover that you've become friends with someone who tried to kill you not a year before, and this whole warming up to the idea of someone not being evil that you don't know is going to seem so slow and stupid in retrospect."

Coby, having a little sense of shame and decency (unlike myself), blushed in embarrassment.

Unfortunately for us, cute moments are not to be tolerated for more than a few panels in shonen.

"Hey, who dares raise their head? I'll have my father execute you just like that Roronoa Zoro! And your head can roll with his three days from now!"

The hills are alive… with the sound of stupid. Ladies and gentleman, the secondary villain for this small arc, this asshole, this freshman of everything… Helmshleppo. Call me back when he's ready for Enies Lobby. Then I'll quake in my little booties.

Right now, I'm about 65% certain that if I hit him in the face with Valance, I might actually kill him. And I'm not so sure that I don't want to do that, considering how many of my buttons the idiot has pushed in the last hour. Stupid plot relevancy.

Though, I guess that not killing people has its virtues, like not getting arrested and not getting chased out of town. So, I settle for glaring at him.

"Three days? I thought you gave him thirty." Luffy asked.

Helmeppo made a face that would stick with him for the rest of the arc. "I was only joking, jeez! Only an idiot would believe something like that."

"So only an idiot would take you at your word then." I said in a false-happy tone, which registers on my personal Dang-o-meter as a Level 2: I want you dead in a humiliating but untraceable fashion. The closest visual comparison I can provide is Ichimaru Gin's typical expression.

Before the moron can cook up a retort or even process that I've just insulted him to his face, me and Luffy both punch him in the face at the same time, sending him flying back several feet. As he crashes in the dust, we turn away, Coby staring at our handiwork with a horrified expression.

"Witt." Luffy says. His voice is the only sound on the street and I look at him sideways, shouldering my guitar by the strap. "We're gonna go get Zoro now. Whether he joins or not."

I nod, grinning slightly. It's not a happy grin, per say, unless I'm happy to cause some suffering, but it's the kind of grin that scares people, like a chimpanzee getting ready to tear your face off with his teeth. "Hai, captain!"

Helmeppo is yelling at us, presumably making death threats and going on about how his dad is going to have us both executed, but that's the thing; he can't do shit on his own. He's riding his daddy's coattails in the worst kind of way, and sooner or later, like maybe in the next half hour, reality is going to give him such a kick in the pants.

Coby, like usual, is losing his shit. "We are so screwed! If Morgan sends his Marines after us, we are going to die! There's no way that we're going to get away with this scot-free!"

"Well, we aren't." I say, pointing out the only real flaw in his logic. "Your only sin is association. While that might be enough for a guy like Akainu to execute you in an extremely painful and unpleasant way, if we play our cards right, you'll be free and clear by the time we leave." I gesture at him to go somewhere else. It'll be better for everyone if he doesn't get caught up in the fight to come.

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it, but right now, we gotta save Zoro." Luffy said, brushing any concerns of personal safety off. This is why he's captain. Not because of brains, and certainly not on account of his ability to plan ahead, but because of vision and will. Between those two, we have the way, and you better not get in the way of the way, especially when there is someone he wants to protect.

* * *

Zoro looked up at us tiredly. "You guys again? Where's pinky?" He asked, focusing on the outer edges of the compound even as I walk over to him and start testing his bindings.

"Since shit's about to go down, we told him to stay back, but he'll probably show up in time to be a convenient hostage." I say, finding a knot that I think I can figure out pretty easy. I'm pretty good at untying things, it's like a little puzzle, but times like this make me wish I was the kind of person to carry a knife. The sooner we're out of here, the better, because I do not want to make friends with the business end of a rifle today.

Zoro picks up on my sense of urgency pretty quickly. "Give me one of my swords and you won't have to worry about fucking around with this mess." He growls. I'm happy for the display of spirit, because that means that he's ready and able to kick ass as soon as he's free. The Pirate Hunter might be down for the moment, but he certainly isn't out.

"Captain's already on the case. Douchebag Jr. has them in his room, right?" I ask, scanning my memory for this episode. Pink, I remember pink. And flowers. Something mockable.

"Probably." Zoro growled, flexing against the rope and helping me find some slack. Still wishing I had a knife.

"Captain!" I call out to Luffy, who's gearing up to Rocket himself up to the roof and cause a scene. "Look for a pink room with flowers, kitten-farts, and pastel shit on one of the upper floors! There are three swords, grab them all!"

"Captain…? Pirates." ZOro hissed, watching me from under his bandana. "Why are you helping me? I hunt your kind."

I shrug. "Well, personally, I was raised to take honor and the worth of one's word as being the be-all and end-all, so the way that that punk was bragging about backstabbing you on this bet pisses me off to no end. Also, you are like the epitome of what I was taught was the best in the world; honor, swords, pride and raw stubbornness, so you being executed for me is like… someone saying that 'One More Day' was actually good." I grin as I manage to work one of these devil knots loose. "Professionally, the Captain would like to offer a position within the crew. Up to you of course, but since we're all leaving here either criminals or corpses, I would think that it would better to be on the run as part of a group rather than as a solo act. We don't have much interest in the rape, pillaging and burning lifestyle, so it'll be mostly pirate-on-pirate crime with a few run-ins with Marines for existing. Morally speaking, I think that we're a more comfortable choice than some of the Marine outposts. Also, you can get drunk whenever you want. Big plus there." I'm trying to be as honest as possible while still selling it. What I'm actually doing is blathering on about how weird we are and by 'we', I mean 'mostly me'.

Zoro's giving me a look. "Are you messing with me? If you're trying to trick me, let me tell you one thing; I have never done anything that I have regretted later, and I'm gonna keep it that way, even if it kills me. I'm gonna last the month here."

At this opportune moment, Luffy decided to launch himself into the sky, simultaneously pissing off the base commandant and distracting all the available Marines, which is just ducky for me, since 'bullet-proof' is not one of my superpowers (yet), unlike Captain Distraction.

I grin at Zoro. "See! Now this is why you're cool and why we'd work out just fine! Everyone we have so far has a pretty solid moral compass. Given, there are only two of us right now, but that's why we're doing the recruiting before we run headlong into the death zone. If you were some kind of degenerate serial killer or something, then we wouldn't have asked. But we did, so you're never going to escape." I said, staring creepily into Zoro's eyes.

"You guys are going to kidnap me?" Zoro asked incredulously. Well, the idea was faintly ridiculous, but hell, the Whitebeard Pirates kept Ace contained for god knows how long while he was trying to kill the captain. Of course, they're a league all their own. In terms of normal strength? I couldn't think of anyone stupid enough.

Speaking of stupid-powerful idiots…

The sound of a large stone statue breaking in half met our ears, startling Zoro but really not affecting me. A little bit of foreknowledge does a bit for general peace of mind. I wonder how long it will take for Zoro to completely ignore chaos like that.

"Naw." I say, pulling another knot loose. "He'll just bother you, catch you in a life debt, and then you're stuck with us forever. You know – the typical Shonen protagonist." I look over my progress even as I get a strange look. Well, Zoro's right arm is free, which means he can start helping me. "You think you can help me get you out of this before the welcoming committee comes a knocking?"

"Witt!" Coby screams. I turn to look at him. He's outside the base, but damn if his Dudley Do-Right act isn't going to get him shot someday.

"Coby! Fuck off before someone decides that you're an accomplice and shoots you!" Like hell I'm going to let him kill his dream. Not that it happened in the original timeline, but you still had to watch for things.

"Worry about yourself!" He screamed, reminding me that, like I wished for, I'm actually in the middle of the action. By taking Coby's place in this scene, I just signed up for the whole package.

And here it is. The bullet knocks me off my feet, a geyser of shockingly red blood shooting out of my shoulder. Between that and the shock of slamming into the hard ground, there's really only one understatement I can make with what air I have left in my lungs.

"Ow."

As I quickly move through some rather mixed reactions, confusion lasting about a split-second, fear following just as quickly, self-pity making a passing glance, and anger setting up residence at the helm of all decision making, I clench my hand around my wounded shoulder, blood quickly slicking over my fingers. "Bastards." I hissed as I rolled back to my feet and back over to Zoro. Still had a job to do. Wholesale murder could wait a few minutes.

I fumble through the knots, blood slick fingers doing nothing to help my cause as I pointedly ignored the hole in my shoulder and the fact that I can't move my right arm. I could swear that Zoro is giving me a look that is more than half respect, though it might just be the blood loss. Oh yeah, that seems more likely. "Look." I snarled as I finally worked a finger through the main loop of the knot. "These guys are going to publicly execute you in three days. The onion boy announced it to the whole fucking town less than an hour ago. I'm Luke Skywalker. The amazing Distraction-man is Han Solo. We're here to rescue you and your swords. Can you figure out the rest of the drill?"

"You're who?"

"Forget it." I look around the area. Relatively clear. Whoever shot at me did it from the top of the building. A fair shot. Lucky, even. Still had time to let Zoro loose before we all got arrested and executed, in whatever order. "My job is to get you untied and out of here alive, not explain pop culture phenomenon. I give you my word that I have not knowingly lied to you at any point in this conversation. And, unlike the backstabber, I actually care about what my word is worth." I get the knot loose. Yes. Almost…

"FREEZE! By the order of the Captain, I.E. me, you two are both to be executed at once!"

I grit my teeth. "Motherfucker."

* * *

Quick recap, so that everyone, including myself, knows what's going on.

First, I've joined a pirate crew of two, including myself. We're fixing that.

Two, we are currently ball deep in enemy territory so we can rescue the guy to take care of number one.

Three, I've been shot. Being shot sucks. I'm losing blood, which is no good because my blood works better when it's inside of me, which also sucks. Generally, this whole experience sucks seven dimensions of fate's dick.

Four, there are now like ten rifles aimed at me with the general idea of putting more holes in me. There is one psycho Bond villain in charge of those guns. This is bad.

Five, the guy we came to save is still tied up and, therefore, still useless. That is also bad.

And six, the one guy who can save our sorry asses is nowhere to be seen. I know Luffy is the sort of guy to pull a Big Damn Heroes, but this is still cutting it a bit close. Hell, if he had been here five minutes ago, half these problems wouldn't even be a thing. This is the baddest of the bad things.

Ah, well, you know what they say about wishes and horses. Don't bother with either when neither are to be had.

* * *

"How interesting… that the three of you wall have the same death wish." Morgan growled. Hell, this guy is huge. Like not asshole-Flamingo lord huge, but still. Big. "I'll be happy to grant it. The entire base is sealed off, so that straw hat brat won't be getting away either."

I chuckled. I can't help it; between blood loss and my grasp of the story, well, this is downright hilarious. "You are both overestimating the ability of the average mook and underestimating the ability of the kind of people who wear straw hats." I said, grinning wolfishly at the opposition. I'm not trying to be funny, this is just how I handle stressful situations; by trying to terrify the stressor into submission.

Might work better if I wasn't a half-dead twig who can't even swing their weapon. But here's the thing. I have their attention. I'm wasting time. I'm pissing them off. I'm standing in front of Zoro, blocking their view of him and his hands. Hopefully, he's making use of my distraction, because it's only going to last so long. Hell, he better, I've already done most of the work. But they aren't doing anything. I have the floor.

"I've heard of you, Roronoa Zoro." Morgan says loftily, ignoring my presence completely. Correction, I had the floor. "You've acquired quite the reputation, but against the power of someone like me, you are less than the dust in the wind. Less than trash." He raised his ax-hand to point at us. "Rifles at the ready!" He ordered.

Well, the Imperial Marksmanship Academy might not be much for aim, but who needs accuracy when there's a wall of bullets ready to make your victims Swiss cheese? The local Marines might be fueled by fear rather than a desire to do Justice, but that's not going to make the bullets fly any slower.

Hopefully Luffy's sense of perfect timing would hold true and land him down here just in time. That's one of the great facts of this world, and I hope that it doesn't fail now. I'm not ready to die just yet.

And guess who's here, right as Morgan calls out the order to fire on our sorry asses, three swords tied to his back and his arms spread wide to soak up the bullets? Well, it ain't Coby, since he's off on the sidelines screaming like a little girl. Even the Marines have the decency to look shocked as Luffy reflects the storm of leaden death back at them.

"YOUR BULLETS MEAN NOTHING TO ME!" Luffy screams out triumphantly. My grin becomes an actual smile. My captain, my captain, idiot hero of the seas. What words do I to speak of thee? Everyone new to this insanity is appropriately shocked. Bulletproof humans? Impossible. Hell, even Coby is gobsmacked and this has been explained to him. Like, three times.

I cackle at their faces. Blood loss is definitely loosening up my sense of humor. Luffy is also cackling, but that's his standard speed.

"What kind of man are you?" Zoro asks disbelievingly. This, too, is hilarious to me. Damn blood loss. How does Zoro fight through this every other arc without going insane?

"Me? I'm the man who's gonna be King of the Pirates." Luffy says, looking over his shoulder at us with a grin. He pulled the swords off his back. "Which one of these is-"

"All of them. He uses a three sword style." I say as I sink to my knees.

"All of them. I use a three sword style." He says, reaching for the blades.

Zoro gives me a watered-down version of the look he gave Luffy.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "You want me to think of a joke concerning the 'third sword' or a possible interpretation of a technique that requires a phallic object in each hand and in your mouth?" Casual banter is so much easier when you aren't in the direct line of fire. I look over to where Coby was perched. Gone. Good. Not here means not hostage material.

I wonder if that means I just volunteered for the position. Or if there will even be a hostage this time. The butterfly of my existence has beaten its wings. The only question now is where the storm I have generated will take me.

The idea that I am suddenly adrift without any idea of where I'm going terrifies me.

Zoro is talking to Luffy again, and I latch on to the sound. "Are you the son of the devil?... Forget it." The swordsman snorted. "Instead of dying here, I'll live on as a criminal… as a member of your crew."  
"Yay!" Luffy yells brightly. "We got a swordsman!"

I chuckled. "That's nice." It is nice. Nice to see that we aren't dead. "Now, why don't you cut him loose and let us avoid the whole 'execution by fire' thing."

Thankfully, the Marines are still getting used to the whole 'rubber man' thing and haven't bothered to take a shot at the non-bulletproof members of our party. "How did he repel all those bullets? He should have been Swiss cheese!" One exclaimed. The absence of a Switzerland in this world does not prevent the existence of Swiss cheese. Mystery.

"Must be one of those Devil Fruit powers." Morgan snarled, obviously displeased with our continued survival. Blaming his men for this development in five, four…

"A Devil's Fruit?!" One mook shouts in confusion. I wonder how many arcs it will take for that shout to stop happening. It's getting right up there with the 'Kagome!', 'Inuyasha!', 'Kagome!' routine on the list of my annoyances.

"If guns don't work, swords are our best bet!" A slightly more savvy mook declares, prompting his fellows to draw steel. I hope he gets to fight a Logia-type someday, so that his Fire Emblem logic does nothing to save his life.

By now Zoro is loose, drawing steel of his own. Truly majestic, even from my worm's eye view. It gets even more impressive as he blocks the swords of an entire squad of presumably trained Marines without really doing anything.

"You better stay still." Zoro growled around the hilt of his white katana. "Because if you move, I'll make sashimi out of you."

The sight of grown men crying is infinitely amusing and will comfort me for many a sleepless night. They certainly weren't going to be weeping at the sight of their boss, coming or going.

Zoro looked over to Luffy. "I told you that I'd join your crew… because either way, I'm a wanted man after this day, but that suits me fine, because I have my own goals." He clenched his hands around the hilts of his swords. "I will become the world's greatest swordsman!" He roared, twisting around, disarming his opponents with all the ease of a tiger ending a rabbit's life. "My name will ring through the heavens!" Their swords flew skywards, spinning around in the air. "Regardless of reputation, I will reach that goal…" The cheap weapons of the Marine mooks planted themselves into the ground in a circle around the swordsman. "And I will destroy anyone who stands in my way. Even you."

Luffy grinned. "I wouldn't take anyone who can't manage something as small as that. A crew that sails at the Pirate King's back can't afford to be any less than the best."

I'm smiling myself, but it doesn't feel quite right. I don't have a grand ambition, such ideas were beaten out of me years ago. All I have is a greedy thirst for these little moments where I am considered 'a part' rather than 'apart'. Compared to these two… I feel weak, hollow, shallow… and painfully selfish. My grin widens a little. Well, selfishness is just perfect for a pirate.

I sink even further down, sprawling out in the dirt. I feel like death warmed over, which is a couple steps below shit, since usually feeling like shit just implies tiredness and all-around soreness, not massive blood loss.

Luffy tells Zoro to duck, sweeping the area with a Gomu Gomu no Whip without any further warning and cleaning up the trash easily.

"You're a pretty useful guy to have around, Captain." I say with a smile as I try to keep what little blood I have left in me.

"What the hell are you?" Zoro asks, apparently having tuned out during Morgan's lecture, though it really didn't cover specifics like the whole 'I'm a rubber man' thing.

"Me? I'm a rubber man." Luffy says brightly, flexing his leg as he brings it back. The obligatory question of 'does it all stretch?' is left unasked. Maybe it's because Morgan just told them to drink the poison Kool-Aid. Really loudly. Remind me again, how does having all your mooks kill themselves help your side of the fight?

Zoro begins to move towards them, perhaps to save their lives in spite of the abuse he suffered at their hands, but Luffy is already flying across the field, presumably baiting Morgan to face him like a man. Morgan is trying to dismiss him as an annoying gnat, something not worth killing, even as he attempts to do just that. Luffy, naturally, gives no shits about what some rum shilling titty monster thinks about him. Also, the thing about gnats? You can't kill them with an ax. Axe, possibly, but not an actual ax. Strength means nothing when you can't hit your opponent, though I wouldn't want to be in Luffy's place right now. He's trained for this, I'm not.

He sends the Marine Captain flying with a solid kick to the face, twisting his momentum around for another blow.

Something pink and white is running across the yard at me… "God fucking dammit, Cody." I growl. He has a first aid kit, a heart full of good intentions, and a head full of poorly thought-out ideas. He flinches as Luffy lands another punishing blow, obviously unused to the heavy combat of anime protagonists. I, on the other hand, am well adjusted to such things, so until I see someone pull a Victoria Seras and grinds someone's head to a red smear using nothing more than the basic fact of friction and a brick wall, I'm not going to lose my shit until fucking Whitebeard. Because he's fucking Whitebeard, that's why.

* * *

**BACK TO REALITY**

* * *

Yup, hostage time. I've been grabbed by the back of my shirt, swamped by tacky cologne, and just generally annoyed by Helm… whatever. Apparently, the almost-dead guy is the ideal hostage here, even though he has no idea of what I'm capable of. To be honest, it's not much at the moment, but seriously, I've punched him in the face hard enough where he should know better.

Ah, well. At least Luffy will continue with the good fight.

"Cease and desist that action!" Helmeppo shouts. "Stop that! Hold it! Hellooo, hostage? Anybody?"

Luffy doesn't give a shit. He's too busy beating the shit out of the moron's dad.

"Can you not do this thing?" I mutter, rolling my eyes at him.

"Sh-shut up! Hostages aren't supposed to talk!" Helmeppo stammers as he jams his gun up against my temple. Tch. Little shit doesn't even have the safety off. He looked back over to Luffy. "You idiot! I said to wait!"

I chuckle darkly. "Do you think that he cares what you're willing to do for your worthless pappy? I mean, he's busy, I'm half-dead, and we're all pirates. The only thing that's going to happen is that he's going to kick your ass so hard, you're going to undergo a heel-face turn."  
"A what?"

I ignore him. "Hey, Luffy! If I die here, the food is in my backpack! Try to make it last, unless there's a battle coming up or something!" I call out. If I die here, I don't have to worry about revenge. I'm going to be avenged so hard, sevenfold isn't going to even cover it. I'd be avenged right into the upper stratosphere, Team Rocket style.

"Okay!" Luffy calls back, still grinning. He knows that this kid doesn't have the cojones to actually pull the trigger, safety or no. "Hey, stupid onion! If Witt isn't afraid of death, so doesn't that make him a really bad hostage?"

"Luffy!" Coby screams. "Behind you!"

It's Captain Morgan, showing a brief flash of sneakiness as he tries to bisect Luffy. Thank god for Zoro, who catches the blade easily. Helmeppo is punched in the face for the fifth time today, Morgan attempts to remove Luffy's head, and Zoro puts him down before he can even get halfway through the motion. There's an odd satisfaction to watching the scum bleed.

"Alright, who's next?" Zoro says, dropping into a combat stance, smirking at the prospect of another fight. It's not likely, now that we've cleared the boss level, but hey, you never know how far the bounds of stupidity go.

Well, the cheering is a little left-field, but it's… kind of understandable, considering that Morgan was kind of a dick and we just got him, for lack of a better term, fired as shit. Ah well, not my problem. I quickly pass out in the dust. Our job here… is done.

* * *

**RECOVERY TIME MOTHER FUCKERS**

* * *

Coby wraps my arm up, tugging gently at the bandages as I wince. The Marine doctor who patched me up did a fair job, though it still stings a bit. There must be something in the air in this world that makes for a speedy recovery, since my grandfather always implied that it could take a couple weeks to recover from those kinds of things, even with good medical attention. It's only been a few days, and the thing is already scarring over and mostly functional. No wonder Zoro is able to train like he does, with a recovery time like that. Hell, he's already back to normal from what had to be near starvation. Ain't that fucked up?

It's a little irritation that Coby keeps hanging around. We're trying to separate him from us, not make it obvious to the Marines that we're friends. It's like he can't even hear me telling him to fuck off. He's a good kid, but I'm not going to let him throw his dream away for someone like me.

It's not like we're sleeping on the streets either. Rika and her mom have been putting up with our racket, rampant food consumption, and general annoyingness.

"What I'm saying is that you can't just waltz into the Grand Line with three guys and a rowboat!" Coby said, banging on the table with as fierce a manner as he can manage with his dough boy looks and coke bottle glasses. "You need a navigator! A map! A ship that won't be capsized by an ocean fart!" His attempt to impose logic on Luffy is working as well as it normally does; not at all.

"It's at least the right direction." Zoro said, getting a snort out of me. Mmhmm. Like you're the one to talk about 'the right direction', Mr. I-Got-Lost-On-The-Numbered-Island-Within-Seconds-Of-Leaving-The-Boat. "The One Piece is there, strong people are there, the world's best swordsman is there…"  
"Zombies, flying islands, desert kingdoms, islands of eternal day…" I add almost jokingly.

"Why would you want to throw yourself into that kind of stuff right now?" Coby asked. "You might be the strongest in East Blue, but the Grand Line is a whole other level of strength!" He actually made a good point, though I didn't really expect it to stick with either of the knuckleheads.

I smile down at him. Dammit, I wish we could keep him sometimes. "It's not like you're coming with us, Coby… No need to be such a negative Nancy…"

He turns on me. "And you! You were just injured! Badly! How come you wanna throw yourself back into danger so quick after that? You guys are my friends and I'm supposed to worry about you, even if we are on opposite sides of the law!" Coby looks about ready to cry.

I just smile at him, maybe a bit more sadly than I need to. "Because I've got to get stronger if I want to protect them and I can't get stronger by sitting around where it's safe, doing nothing so I won't get hurt again." I say, both for myself and Coby. We both have the same kind of doubts and the lingering suspicion of inherent unworthiness, I think. It's always the question of 'do I really deserve this?' and 'am I going to be strong enough to protect this crew?'. I refuse to be a burden, and the questions of worthiness aren't my problem. I will fight tooth and nail, for everything that I care about and I know that Coby will do the same when he finds something worth defending.

"R-right." Coby's everything projects raw uncertainty.

I clap him on the shoulder. "Hey, you can do the same, right? You have to be strong so you can protect those who can't protect themselves, yeah?"

Something that looks a hell of a lot like conviction ignites in Coby's eyes. "Yosh!" Wow, I've awoken his youthful spirit with but two simple questions. If I could bottle this effect and sell it, I could buy Cocoyasi Village in a week.

"And it's not like we're gonna magically stop being friends, right?" Luffy adds with a grin as bright as the morning sun.

Coby gave us a wavering smile. "I've never had any friends before you guys… nobody ever stuck up for me or defended me before you guys saved me… so..." He gave us a huge thumbs up, smiling widely to cover up his watery eyes. "Try not to die, alright?"

"Worry about yourself." Zoro said, rapping Coby on the forehead. "You were a cabin boy for Alvida for a few years right? I wouldn't be surprised if that little nugget of information has been dug up by the Marines already. They can really scrounge up the information when they want to and a past like that can make it so they never take you."

"Excuse me." An authoritative voice called from the door.

We all turned. Well, fuck me sideways. It's a Marine. Who's just inside the door. Which means two things. One, our welcome is officially worn out. And two, he just heard everything. Whoops.

"You guys… are pirates, correct?" He asked carefully, as if his very wording would the thing to set us off like live grenades. Considering Luffy's abilities and Zoro's reputation, he's probably got the right idea.

I smile. "Let me guess; you're thankful for what we've done, but as we are enemies of the law and you are representatives of the law and therefore contractually obligated to arrest people of our chosen profession, you can't leave us be and would rather we beat feet as soon as possible, preferably today, as the longer you put off a report, the less you'll be able to account for it, right?" I say, knowing perfectly well both the story and the strange ways of the Army.

He nods, looking faintly apprehensive, but relieved that we understand. "Exactly."

The townspeople are ruffled by this announcement. Sure, we eat a lot and are noisy, but we got rid of Morgan and his brat, and that act alone has gotten us a very high approval rating.

"Yeah, we can do that." Luffy says, pushing his chair away from the table and rising to his feet. He offers a tight, polite bow to Rika's mom. "Thanks for the food, ma'am."

We walk right past Coby as if he wasn't even there.

"Aren't you with those pirates?" The Marine asks him.

Say no, you little bubblegum brat.

"N… no. I'm not." Coby says. Good boy.

We're not even a foot through the door when he asks us if that's the truth.  
"The gospel." I say flatly, not turning around. "Never seen the kid around in my life."

Luffy tilts his head. "Hmm, do I know him?"

"You don't."

"I thought I did." Luffy said, looking at me with a straight face.

I sighed. "You think you can find North by pointing yourself in the coldest direction."

Luffy blinks. "That's not how it works?"

"They're all gonna die." Coby whispered to himself.

* * *

"Y'know, that might have been a little more believable if we dirtied the kid up." Zoro said as he jumped into our dingy.

"Yeah, but I thought, 'hey, we owe him one for getting us here, so let's not break his jaw.'" I said, unwinding the anchoring rope.

"You're kind of a softie to be a pirate." The swordsman said, assuming the position of lounge king.

I took the mature response; I stuck my tongue out at him. "Just because I'm not a thankless bastard doesn't make me a softie. And the name is Mercy DeWitt, remember it!"

"Mercy D. Witt?" I can almost smell the wrongness, but hell if I care. It has become law; Mercy Pierce DeWitt has become Mercy D. Witt, ironic pirate surpreme.

Luffy giggles from his place at the front of the boat. "Hey, I think that Coby's gonna be just fine, but we gotta get out of here!"

"Leaving nothing behind but a trail of destruction; that's what being a pirate is all about!" Zoro said with a wild grin. How has he not become a pirate before now? He takes to it like a duck to water.

"And here I thought it was all about the booty." I add dryly, still smiling.

"WAIT!" Coby calls out from the edge of the town. He's panting, painfully red in the face, and obviously here to send us off. Well, so much for the 'we don't know him' thing. "I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU GUYS FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE! I WILL NEVER FORGET IT! BELIEVE IT!"

Well, that was… mostly just general. Could be taken as a thank you for saving the town… Even if I'm a little too strongly reminded of Naruto again…

Oh goddammit, the Marines are here, too.

Okay, the salute was weird.

"Never seen Marine's salute a pirate before." Zoro muttered as we sped out of the harbor.

"Always a first, and only for the finest kind, I suppose." I say, looking back on the scene. "Though one wonders about the perks of being a Warlord of the Sea…"

"CATCH UP WITH US LATER SOMEDAY, ALRIGHT COBY?" Luffy yelled.

"Goddammit, Luffy, we aren't supposed to know him!" I snapped, dope slapping him.

"SET SAIL!"

* * *

**Ah, I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter done. I'm not nearly finished with the next chapter for the other story, but between Writer's Block, driving practice, and garage sale prep, time and words have both become a commodity.**

**To those concerned about how to address Witt... just follow the lead of the other characters. For the sake of the story, Mercy D. Witt is just treated as a guy, except maybe in his own joking sometimes. If anything, he's a genderfluid individual who's currently keeping to the male side of things for convenience (I mean, imagine trying to explain the finer points of that stuff to Luffy, jeez).**

**It's... not unlikely that Witt's past will come out at some point, though I imagine it won't be revealed all at once, but gradually.**

**The original story is continuing, mostly as a cracky first draft, but also as a personal challenge to stop dropping things without finishing them.**


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